“He is ungrateful who denies that he has received a kindness which has been bestowed upon him; he is ungrateful who conceals it; he is ungrateful who makes no return for it; most ungrateful of all is he who forgets it”.–Seneca
This article is inspired by true life experience. It is an observation of how gratitude diminishes when people feel that it is the responsibility of others to take care of them; and when they feel they are entitled to what genuinely belongs to another who could be parents, siblings, husbands, wives, inlaws, or friends. Thus they neglect to appreciate or stop appreciating them.
Mr. Paschal, a married and prosperous businessman, had an encounter with Ken, a young man from a poor rural area in Oruma West L.G.A. It was an encounter that changed Ken’s life. Paschal had known Ken from a tender age as a well-behaved child raised in an exemplary Christian family. This encounter, took place many years after Paschal had left the village in search of greener pasture in the city. He was undoubtedly successful in his business. Though not in the rank and file of wealthy men, Paschal was a generous man at heart, who was moved by the plight of the poor. It was during a visit to his hometown for Christmas celebrations, that he learned that Ken was about to drop out of school in the second semester of his enrollment in college. Paschal was moved with compassion to sponsor Ken’s education, a decision he voluntarily took without many thoughts. Paschal made a call to Ken’s parents and invited them to come with their son to his house. It was during that visit and the discussion that ensued that Mr. Paschal informed them of his decision to sponsor their son through school. It was the best news they had heard in years and were overwhelmed with gratitude to Paschal. They had never had any hopes of seeing their son through school due to the hard realities of life the family was facing. It was indeed a big burden relieved.
Ken, on his part, expressed his unalloyed gratitude to Paschal. He uttered words such as: “You saved my future. I would have been a school drop out”. These words strengthened Paschal’s commitment and resolve to see Ken through school.
Each semester, Paschal would ask Ken to request all the fees and things he needed and he would have all the money deposited into his account at First Bank. Ken often received more than he requested and would express his gratitude to Paschal in words that melt the heart. He never lacked anything in school and was living comfortably, such that his mates saw him as a privileged son of a wealthy family. Paschal cared for him as he would his child.
For Paschal, it was a responsibility and promise to God never to allow Ken to experience any hardship in college. With time, there came a gradual change in the manner of appreciation from Ken, unlike what it used to be at the beginning. It got to the point that Ken often did not acknowledge the reception of money deposited into his account until Paschal had called to ask him if it had arrived. At first Paschal thought it was a mere act of forgetfulness until it became almost habitual. Worried, Paschal thought he might have done something wrong or deprived Ken of something to warrant his change of attitude. So he took the courage and asked him what was wrong. Ken rendered apologies and would do that each time until it became a distasteful and annoying attitude to Paschal. Paschal didn’t take it to heart, but believed that there was something significant about Ken’s change of attitude. This brings us to the moral of this narrative.
If I should ask you dear reader, what are your thoughts about the sudden change in appreciation from Ken, you would likely come up with many reasons. I know many would say, why shouldn’t Paschal overlook that appreciation since he had taken it upon himself to sponsor Ken, or must he always thank him?However, I must tell you that the reason is not far-fetched. I have come to observe that when people feel that others are responsible for them, there is always that tendency to ignore certain gestures that call for profound appreciation towards the giver. How many students, for instance, still thank their parents profoundly when they receive gifts or have their school fees paid? Often many don’t. Why? Because they believe it is their parent’s responsibility. It could therefore be inferred from Ken’s change of behavior that he had taken Paschal’s generosity as his responsibility towards him,such that he didn’t need to show any more appreciation. This is where we often get it wrong. It is a wrong perception and attitude.
While Paschal wasn’t expecting or desperately in need of Ken’s appreciation, he had associated his kind words of appreciation as a positive reaction of gratitude from him. So, when Ken stopped, naturally, Paschal reacted by thinking something was wrong.
If I may ask, whose responsibility it is to care for you? Yes, we may say that parents owe it to their children. But, shouldn’t children also appreciate their parents for caring for them, for instance, when they pay their fees? Yes. If you feel your parents don’t deserve any thanks because it is their responsibility, then think about those irresponsible parents who dumped their children on the streets. In as much, it is your responsibility to remember you are not entitled to what belongs to them. They can decide to give it away to charity. What about many others whose generosity has become a responsibility towards us. Do we still appreciate them as we used to do from the beginning when we thought we never deserved anything from them?
An appreciation is the outward expression of gratitude. It takes many forms like:
- Thank you so much,
- God bless you for your gifts,
- Thank you so kindly,
- I am grateful for your love,
- I love you so much for your care,
- You made my day,
- What would I have done without you,
- You are such a darling,
- I owe you everything good,
- I can pay back a loan of gold but will die in debt of your love (my favorite),
- My gratitude is eternal,
- Thanks for thinking about me in these hard times.
You can add more to the list. Some might even concretize their appreciation through gifts. These words or gestures of appreciation, I call “wonderful expressions that melt the heart”. It strengthens the grace and willpower to care or give more.
Everyone who cares for us deserves appreciation even if the kind act was repeated a thousand times. We have to resist the temptation of thinking, I deserve it, or, it is his or her responsibility. You will not understand it is not that person’s responsibility until he or she decides to stop helping.
Although Paschal never stopped until Ken graduated, he felt at some point that this young man was no longer grateful. While I do not condemn Ken’s act as ingratitude, this article draws our attention to how those who care for us would feel when we suddenly stop doing the things that give them the strength to persevere in their generosity. Our appreciation or gratitude is the energy that fuels the inner strength of generosity.
Please do not ignore anyone. Call, message, email, send cards, to appreciate whoever gives a gift even if it is just a pen. Acknowledge the reception of money deposited into your account before the depositor asks you about it. Don’t flatter people with kind words upon receiving gifts, let every word or action flow from a grateful heart.
Eschew the belief that anyone is responsible for taking care of you . Begin to see all those who care for you,from parents to friends and family, as privileged gifts from God and that you owe your appreciation to them. Resources are scarce. Many do not have enough to think of giving to another. Yet,in their struggles and care, they make sacrifices for others. If you think you no longer have any reason to keep appreciating them, do so anyway, because if they hadn’t added what they gave to you to their own needs, you wouldn’t have received anything.
I hope this article inspires you to go back and thank all those you neglected and keep thanking them for all they were or are to you and to keep appreciating people who care about you. Humanity is one. When we appreciate others, they do more for us. The Igbos put it smartly in their adage when they say: “E too nwanyi akidi ogwota ozo.”
